Genre: Introspective… bit of angst
Chapter: Sidefic/drabble to smile
Summary: Because Tez demanded to be let out and have some of his thoughts cleared up…
Warning: Shonen ai ish hints and stuff… Um… yes… ... Tez PoV...first person ... eep
Do you really want him, or do you just think you’re falling? Like the cascade of a waterfall, jumping, twisting, turning… never knowing what’s at the bottom, because those evanescent pearls of water have never been there… and will never have the freedom to return again. They’ll be pulled along with the current, torn away from their partners who cling to the memory of tumbling into the abyss, while at the same time forced together, moulded, pressed, to become one and survive.
Is this what we are? Is this how we are? Is this all we can be?
It is all I can think of, and all I want to say, yet at the same time, nothing I can bring past my lips. Every time it is like this. The touch, the sensations he awakes in me… the dreams he gives me whether my eyes are open or not. I feel trapped, and yet I’ll gladly throw away the key just to ensnare him here with me.
But he isn’t that type of person, and frankly neither am I. With the flash of a smile and the crinkle of his eyes, he shuts me out the same way I keep him at bay. It’d never do for me to let him know how I feel, and I know him well enough to realise that he feels the same way.
That smile is something that bothers me; it eats at me and makes me wish it gone. I don’t understand how the person he is can have such a hollow parody of his true self as a mask. And yet, at the same time I’m aware of just why he would need such a barrier. That he doesn’t need it around me that often anymore, is something that tells me where we stand with each other.
Emotions are something that bare your soul, and they’re something I cant really afford; not around anyone else but him, because he can see past me, to me, through me. A gift, but at the same time a curse, and yet I can’t bring myself to reject it, because I know that he wouldn’t offer it to anyone else. I am his chance, just as he is my salvation, whether he realises it or not.
I can’t be this pillar without him; I won’t have the foundations, the strength. Silence is golden, but his silence is serenely beautiful, comforting… simply him. Sleeping beside me, he seems so peaceful and perfect, but I know that just like me… he is not, and yet it somehow makes him all the more perfect.
No matter how hard I look, I can’t see the faults, because they aren’t really faults, they are parts of him that make the whole… that make him who he is, not to everyone perhaps, but to me and that is all I care about.
There are so many things on my mind, so many things I should be thinking about, and yet somehow he always manages to intrude on those thoughts. And I figure that as long as he and I are the only ones who know this, then things are fine the way they are.
Short, sweet and came pouring out when I was trying to write chapter 15 heh… yeah…